Your stomach is screaming. You may have seen it happen, heard half-truths, or even checked the phone when they weren’t looking. Is it paranoia? Or does your spouse carrying on an extracurricular fling?
If your guess is correct, you will find clues. No one can completely hide the truth. It’s very messy. It’s human. You can see Casanova in the act.
The signs are always there, says Dr. Marcella Bakur Weiner, a relationship expert with private psychology practices in Manhattan and Brooklyn. You just have to be willing to see them.
Emotional whiplash
If your partner is two-timing, wait for the emotional cues to appear first. According to Weiner, author of 180 Telltale Signs Mates Are Cheating and How to Catch Them, when behavior changes in a certain way, suspicion increases.
- Guilty gifts: They pay you “more” attention or buy you gifts than ever before. This is especially common in the early in the infidelity.
- Unexplained Conflicts: They fight more often. They are moody, inconsiderate and critical, but refuse to talk about why.
- Emotional Void: They don’t say “I love you” anymore. They are not interested in sex. Or, strangely enough, suddenly bring a new twist to the bedroom after years of stagnation.
- Busy excuse: They would be spend more time with friends or at work than with family. Responses to mobile messages are delayed.
- Guilt Reaction: People feel uncomfortable or guilty when you do something nice for them. You treat them like gold. They feel like frauds.
- Defensive: Reacts defensively to normal questions. “Why are you always checking up on me?” came the standard reply.
- Projection: They will suddenly accuse you of cheating.
Women often have an intuitive understanding of this. Weiner points out that women can recognize even mildly unusual behavior. But intuition does not prove it. To protect yourself, you need indisputable evidence.
The Paper Trail
Gathering evidence can require get sneaky. Check your pocket. Listen to the phone message. Look carefully at your credit card statement.
According to experts, the following additional tips can help you catch a drifter.
- Missing bills: Some invoices are no longer delivered to your home. Your spouse can forward it to your work email or P.O. box. That way, your credit card payments will won’t give the affair away.
- Cash withdrawals: They spend their cash much faster than usual. Or withdraw funds from unknown places. Check the ATM receipt if you can find it.
- Odometer lies: The extra mileage is appears on the car. They say it’s just work, but it’s not a 42 mile round trip.
- New hobbies: They have a new hobby in music. They used to hate this country, but now they have a two-step. Or you work out and pay more attention to your clothes and appearance.
- New Phrases: A new catch phrases is in use. They have an unusual for them.
- Sleep changes: Changes in sleep patterns. Nightmares. Talking in your sleep (saying other people’s names?). Unusual restlessness or tiredness.
- Classic clues: Lipstick on the collar. Hang-ups or hushed conversations. Unfamiliar scents on clothing.
If you notice any of these signs, keep a journal. All hints must be remembered. You may need to hire a private investigator to get up to speed. Write down the time of your entries so they point to patterns. Keep them impartial.
Paul Dank, owner of Advanced Surveillance Group, a private detective agency in Michigan, recommends this approach. An example from his journal is as follows: “He came home and he didn’t have his tie on. He said he left it at work.”
When to hire an expert
When you finally confront the suspect spouse, they may deny any wrongdoing. The act isn’t (yet) caught on tape.
If you want proof beyond a reasonable doubt, consider hiring a private investigator to dig up undeniable dirt.
“I can no longer accept when people pick up the phone and call me,
You're crazy,'' orYou made this up,” Dank said.
Dank Investigators monitor hundreds of suspected spouses each month. Men don’t have a monopoly on cheating either. About 40 percent of Dank’s customers are men who think their wives have gone astray.
Private Investigators charge about $1,500 for two days of basic surveillance. They understand the tools of the trade. They use computer spyware to arrest someone through inappropriate online communications.
But is it really worth calling in a professional?
If you want to dig deeper, do this. If you think you may be at risk, the answer is yes. Tracking down suspected fraudsters is always best left to the professionals.
Dank warned against Amateur Spies trying to take complete surveillance into their own hands. “Crimes of passion are very real.”
So weigh the risks. You gather facts. You are on the brink of a truth that could change everything. What happens next? It’s up to you.
