Your heart races when his name pops up on your phone. Your palms get sweaty in his presence. It feels like everything is lining up. You start thinking he might be the one. But how do you know if this is the real thing?
Dennis Neder, author of Being a Man in a Woman’s World, says love isn’t a single event. It has three distinct stages. There is infatuation. Then bonding. Then the familiar phase.
Dr. Neder, who is an ordained minister and doctor of metaphysics, says you need to look at all three to figure out if you have a lasting connection.
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The Three Stages of Love
The first stage is infatuation. You can’t wait to see him. You think about him constantly. This is the romantic high. Dr. Neder warns that this is when people convince themselves it’s “the real thing.” But it doesn’t last.
The second stage is bonding. You start learning about him. You plan your life around his schedule. You fit him into your world.
If you make it through that, you enter the third stage. The familiar phase.
In this stage, your lives merge. You know how he feels about almost everything. You’ve established a pattern. Interestingly, Dr. Neder says you also refocus on your own direction. Your own goals.
Most professionals believe this is where real love starts.
What Is True Love?
The movie Love Story gave us that famous line. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” But experts pause when asked to define true love. It means different things to different people.
Dr. Neder defines it as caring about the other person’s health and happiness more than your own. When you check your words and thoughts to see if they benefit him, you are in love.
Christiane Northrup, M.D., author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom, says true love is allowing space. It is giving another person the time they need to become all they can be.
Conversely, if he says, “If you love me, you would do this,” that is not love. Dr. Northrup says that comes from the “second chakra.” It is about control. True love comes from the “fourth chakra.” It is unconditional support.
Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, authors of Everlasting Love, say true love happens when you shift from unconscious to conscious commitment. Saying “relationships are hard work” is unconscious. Conscious commitment means revealing your true self. It means supporting him through thick and thin.
Laurie Moore, Ph.D., says all love comes from an open heart. It feels open and safe at the same time. This doesn’t mean he is necessarily your life partner. It just means the heart is open.
9 Signs Your Relationship Is Real
So how do you know if you’re in a lasting relationship? Here is what the experts say.
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You feel good. A healthy relationship makes you feel good about yourself. Not anxious. Good.
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You look forward to time together. You don’t need other people or events to avoid being alone with him. You enjoy quiet time. Quality time.
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You respect him. You hear yourself bragging. You tell friends, “He is a talented singer.” If you only talk about yourself, you aren’t focused on the relationship.
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You value his opinion. You ask what he thinks about important issues. It is okay if he disagrees.
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You accept his quirks. Everyone has them. Even you. If his quirks are endearing, you are in good shape. If they bother you, look closer.
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You work through problems. Disagreements happen. Healthy couples see them as chances to learn. If you think every fight is the end, rethink the relationship.
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You feel safe. You aren’t afraid of losing him.
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You can’t explain why you are together. You don’t coordinate lives just because it’s convenient. You are together because you want to be. If the answer is yes, you will likely stay. If no, you will have problems.
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You don’t compare him. There will always be someone smarter or more athletic. You don’t care. You only want him.
Finding Lasting Love
If you still aren’t sure if your love will last, try this advice from Dr. Moore.
Make a list. List what you require from someone to be happy.
Check if those requirements are met. If they are, you may have found everlasting love.
It’s not just about the rush. It’s about the quiet moments. The safety. The space to grow.
Does he fit the list? Or just the fantasy?
The answer usually shows up in the details. Not the grand gestures. The small ones. The ones you barely notice until you look back.
That’s when you know.
