Making friends as an adult feels like trying to catch smoke. It slips right through your fingers. That is the exact question Emilie Aries and Bridget Todd are asking listeners of their new podcast, Stuff Mom Never Told You.
It used to be simpler. High school. College. You woke up near people. You saw them again at lunch. Again at the library. Proximity did the heavy lifting. Repeated unplanned interactions built bonds without any effort.
Now you are in the “real world.” Those coincidences vanish. You get married. You have kids. Time evaporates. Finding hours for friends feels like a luxury you can no longer afford.
But skipping friendship is dangerous. Particularly for women.
A UCLA study hit a sobering note here. Not having close friends is as bad for your health as being overweight. That is not a metaphor. It is a physiological risk.
Think about your body under stress. Men often go into fight-or-flight mode. Women? Different mechanism. When stress hits, oxytocin floods the system. This is the same hormone released during sex. It buffers the fight-or-flight response.
It encourages you to tend to your children. To gather with other women. This “tend or befriend” strategy releases more oxytocin. It calms you down. Men do not get this same soothing effect. Testosterone mutes the oxytocin response. Estrogen enhances it.
Not having close friends is as detrimental to health as carrying extra weight.
This biological wiring matters. Friendship lowers blood pressure. It boosts immunity. It promotes healing. These factors likely explain why women have lower rates of heart disease and longer life expectancy than men. Studies show women generally have more friends than men, too.
The podcast hosts suggest practical ways to bridge the gap. A monthly video call for old college friends. Something structured. Something repeatable.
Emilie Aries runs Bossed Up. She helps women craft sustainable career paths. Before that, she organized political campaigns. Bridget Todd writes. She is an activist and content creator. Her work has appeared in The Atlantic and Elle. They know how busy life gets. They are just trying to keep the human connection alive.
There is another layer to this, though. A popular New York Times piece pointed to a shift in self-perception.
Marla Paul wrote The Friendship Crisis. She noted that self-discovery gives way to self-knowledge. You become pickier. You stop tolerating the casual acquaintances of youth. You curate your circle.
Is that a problem? Or is it just evolution?
