Infidelity doesn’t just hurt. It can tear the foundation of a relationship apart. Trust is broken. The anxiety is deep. Anger grows within the gap.
It’s almost impossible to get exact numbers on how often this happens. Extramarital relationships are not recorded in the divorce record. Surveys rely on self-reporting, which is rarely 100% honest. Peggy Vaughan, author of The Myth of Monogamy, says that 60 percent of husbands and 40 percent of wives cheat at some point. However, less than 10% of people leave their spouse behind and go out with an unfaithful partner.
It feels like the end of the world.
But this is not necessarily the case, therapists say. William Doherty, a professor at the University of Minnesota, says infidelity is a “treatable crisis.” This is a wound. Wounds heal. They just need time.
Michele Weiner-Davis is a therapist and author of The Divorce Remedy who has counseled thousands of couples. He doesn’t believe in quick solutions. He believes we are in this together. This requires patience. You will face setbacks. You are “back to square one”. But if you do the work, the process will succeed.
Here’s how to deal with the consequences:
What an unfaithful partner must do
Those who cheat bear the brunt here. There is no way around this problem.
First, be brutally honest.
If you want to save your marriage, you have to answer the questions. Then reply again. Partners need depth. They want to know the details. Women in particular are often looking for their “why”. To get peace of mind that it won’t happen again, you need to know the root cause.
Honesty also kills imagination. What your partner imagines you doing is almost always worse than the reality. Truth short-circuits torture.
If talking about your case hurts, get help. Expert guidance can help you avoid minefields.
You can find a therapist through the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). They offer locator services to help you find qualified professionals in your area. You can also ask your doctor, clergy or trusted friend for advice.
Second, look inside.
Why did you leave your marriage? If it was dissatisfaction, you have to bring that up. You can’t fix a gap in a relationship by pretending it doesn’t exist. It is important to address these issues. Prevent recurrence.
Third, act trustworthy.
Apologies are cheap. Actions are not. You have to prove that you are serious. This means respecting your partner’s comfort needs. Early on, trust is gone. They want to know where you are. They want to know when you’ll be back.
It can feel overwhelming. It seems unfair. However, this is temporary. “This is not forever,” Weiner said. Please be patient during the rebuild process.
What a betrayed partner must do
A betrayed partner has a different but equally difficult task to perform.
First, demand what you need to heal.
Yes, the unfaithful partner does most of the heavy lifting. But we need to talk. You can’t suffer in silence while your partner tries to “solve” the problem in a way that doesn’t work for you. Tell them what you need to do to earn their trust back. Be specific.
Second, reconnect outside the affair.
You can’t talk about cheating 24/7. It will eat you alive. You need to spend time together that has nothing to do with cheating.
Let’s go for a walk. Let’s go to that restaurant you like. Let’s go to the concert. Remember why you are friends. Remember why you fell in love. You need to enjoy each other’s company again.
Third, choose to forgive.
This is the last step. This is the hardest.
Adultery is never forgotten. You will carry the memory. But you can also forgive. Forgiveness is not given to the wrongdoer. This is for you. The burden is reduced. It creates space for a new closeness.
They don’t forgive because they deserve it. I forgive because I want to move on.
The Outcome
Saving a marriage after an affair is not for the faint of heart. It requires extraordinary effort.
But therapists see it happen. Couples who have experienced infidelity tend to get stronger. Why? Because the disaster forces them to share responsibility for each other’s well-being. They no longer take things for granted. They learn to communicate. They learn to show up.
It’s not easy. It’s very messy.
But it is possible.
